doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.