doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I see your IQ test came back negative
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet