[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.