dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
🤣😈🤣
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.