[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
You Might Also Like
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Breaking news:
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?