Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.