Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?