Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
😂💯
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.