Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot