Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.