@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@robfee: Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.

@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."

@Mardigroan: *writes in climate's year book "Best of luck. Don't ever change!"*

@Abusitron: Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT