@kimlockhartga: Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet "cheat days" and call them Ashley Madisons.
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@omerwahaj: I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@mellimelle: Packing for a trip, Husband says I don't need to overpack. It is so cute how he thinks I'm coming back.
@Wine_Charmer: You found a baby spider in here? -Yeah, but only one. *Googles avg # of spiders hatched* *eyes widen* Just. One? [Never. Sleeps. Again.]
@Humor_Fetish: There's no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.