Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.