Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”