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@KKAlThani: Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
@lazerdoov: The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
@ShawnIzadi: Password security questions be like: What's your middle name? Why are you single? What's wrong with your big toe?
@kumailn: Twitter 1 Act:
-Person misreads sarcasm
-You point out it's sarcasm
-"I know I was being sarcastic back"
-Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye
@NYC_Blonde: I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.