No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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If I ignore life will it go away?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.