This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
and now we wait
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.