[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
BRAKING NEWS!!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Yup.
#math
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.