Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.