DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???