DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
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I thought my house was falling down but it鈥檚 just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don鈥檛 drink too fast you鈥檒l get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touch茅
Everyone is fighting a battle you don鈥檛 know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma鈥檃m your husband posted bail Friday
early stone age tool
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Did you file your cat correctly today?..馃搨馃悎馃搨馃槄
how long have you had this for?
It鈥檚 about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I don鈥檛 go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?