Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Great Canadian literature.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney