Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…