Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
channeling her this year
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2