[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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Love is in the air fryer.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.