@kumailn: Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
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@NightTraumaDoc: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
@Shut_up_Marissa: I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs. *turns up volume* SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
@SteveSuckington: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
@stevevsninjas: [driving date home] me: where do I drop you off? her: here is fine me: you live on the beach? her: *walks into sea*