Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.