@themorris23: Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.
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@nursemella: *pops the hood* "Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt" .. Umm r u sure you work here? *lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
@ShutUpThatsWho: [pulled over by cop] COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID? MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
@thatUPSdude: Forget "once you go black you never go back" I say "For that special occasion go caucasian"
@ShutUpThatsWho: [me as a ninja] [a smoke ball is thrown in a park] [when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]