Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony