@themorris23: Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.
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@Mikecanrant: I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.
@BooFricketyHoo: Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o'noodles packets. Ever.
@kcmoore51: Just heard a lady in Target scream "WE DON'T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS" at her kids and now I kinda wish she'd have a talk with me also.