Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.