Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed