donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You Might Also Like
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!