donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You Might Also Like
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.