“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.