@hipstermermaid: Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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@SteveKoehler22: A five year old girl is headed to the National Spelling Bee finals. And I just had to use autocorrect to spell "embarrassed" I'm so emb-
@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder