Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
You Might Also Like
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”