Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I love art.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children