If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.