Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
how to have fun when you’re poor