Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat