Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that