[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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OKAY DAD
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Wise advice
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this