“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?