Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I am crying
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.