Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
What is going on? 😅
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.