*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
A Short Story.