*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
You Might Also Like
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.