[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more