[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out