[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time