[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️