@JessObsess: [drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can't we go back to how things were? OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@PlainTravis: I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."

@ValeeGrrl: Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost

@pixelatedboat: When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.