Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.