@LindaInDisguise: Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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@JessObsess: [drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can't we go back to how things were? OBAMA: How did you get this number?
@PlainTravis: I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."
@ValeeGrrl: Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
@pixelatedboat: When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.