@Probgoblin: The barista can't deal with the man's 'Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee' shirt. Her mouth opens, then closes. The line grows.

@KarenKilgariff: LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied

@jokeymcjokeface: The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

@LeBearGirdle: [At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

@cinnamxntxast: “what’s it like having a sister?”