@PaperWash: Commissioner: we'll need to stay in touch Batman: ok Commissioner: this stealth communication device will- Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@daemonic3: "I just got engaged!" -- Starship Enterprise

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: you could use some exercise ME: i do pirates on the weekends HER: pilates? ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

@InternetHippo: "Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you've ever been in your life?" - video games

@iwearaonesie: toddler *hands me a bag of chips* me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*