Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.