Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
work smarter, not harder
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce